The week that was.

Bipolar Disorder is a tough enough rollercoaster without the kind of emotional and mental strain I have had this week.  Since the wedding on Monday, my Fathers behaviour has been on my mind a lot and for the first time I chose to contact both my Brother and my Sister via telephone and we talked openly for the first time about the last 12 months since our Mother died and to be totally honest it has really sent me flying off on a tangent.  My sisters classic line to me was 'we have all suffered with mental health issues and we have all survived suicide attempts, we all have addictions and just because yours was legal doesn't make you any better than us.

Wow! Isn't she right?! I have always taken the higher moral ground with them for their Heroin addiction, whilst I absolutely applaud the fact that they both manage to get and stay clean, I have always seen myself as 'better' than them.

But why I ask myself now? Why do 3 children brought up in a loving home without abuse/trauma/poverty/neglect etc, why do those 3 children grow up to all suffer with mental health problems and addictions, what was it about our lives/upbringing that sent us on that path?

My Father shows no remorse for his actions on Monday, which hurts me deeply, he has openly said this week that he lives only for my Nephew, he doesn't care about anything or anyone else.  I feel gutted to hear that, especially as the anniversary of my Mothers death approaches.

I really do feel all over the place this week, and I know its going to take some time to clarify all the thoughts I am currently having, perhaps I ought to just let go and let God handle it all, sometimes I do wonder just how big he thinks my shoulders are?!