Friday, 18 February 2011

The week that was.

Bipolar Disorder is a tough enough rollercoaster without the kind of emotional and mental strain I have had this week.  Since the wedding on Monday, my Fathers behaviour has been on my mind a lot and for the first time I chose to contact both my Brother and my Sister via telephone and we talked openly for the first time about the last 12 months since our Mother died and to be totally honest it has really sent me flying off on a tangent.  My sisters classic line to me was 'we have all suffered with mental health issues and we have all survived suicide attempts, we all have addictions and just because yours was legal doesn't make you any better than us.

Wow! Isn't she right?! I have always taken the higher moral ground with them for their Heroin addiction, whilst I absolutely applaud the fact that they both manage to get and stay clean, I have always seen myself as 'better' than them.

But why I ask myself now? Why do 3 children brought up in a loving home without abuse/trauma/poverty/neglect etc, why do those 3 children grow up to all suffer with mental health problems and addictions, what was it about our lives/upbringing that sent us on that path?

My Father shows no remorse for his actions on Monday, which hurts me deeply, he has openly said this week that he lives only for my Nephew, he doesn't care about anything or anyone else.  I feel gutted to hear that, especially as the anniversary of my Mothers death approaches.

I really do feel all over the place this week, and I know its going to take some time to clarify all the thoughts I am currently having, perhaps I ought to just let go and let God handle it all, sometimes I do wonder just how big he thinks my shoulders are?!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Head Holiday.

I need a head holiday.  This last week more than ever has been an emotional rollercoaster, I realise that I am suffering with bad stress and I really need to remove some external stresses and practise some self care for a few days.

Yesterday I went to my Brothers wedding.  This was a stress for me in itself, I have never really got on with my Brother in the last few years, mainly due to his (now reformed) chronic drug use from the age of 11, he and his twin sister became Heroin addicts at the age of 16 and stole almost all my worldly possessions over a 10 year period, from jewellery to clothing, money and even once my car.  Both are now clean and a few years ago my Brother met a girl, they are expecting a baby in 6 weeks time and chose to marry yesterday, this in itself was a stress, but for the sake of the family, my Brother and mostly my departed Mother, I put everything to one side to attend the wedding with a good heart.

Shame my Dad couldn't offer the same courtesy.  He threw a complete fit, and refused to go, sitting in my Brothers house whilst we all went to the ceremony.  To cut a very long story short, his selfishness and total lack of compassion for my Brother on the biggest day of his life has both astounded and deeply hurt me.

He blames it on the loss of my Mum, said he 'couldnt face' the Wedding without her!! What poppycock! My Sister, Brother and myself were all devastated yesterday that our beloved Mother wasn't there, but for the sake of his only Son, he damned well should have put his selfishness to one side for the day.

My Fathers lack of support has been deeply hurtful, despite the fact that I organised every aspect of everything for him on my Mums passing, from Funeral to Legality and offered 24 hour unconditional support, he has never once asked me if I am coping, never once put his arm around me and said 'I am here for you'.

I feel orphaned right now, and I feel emotionally drained with everything.  A 'Head Holiday' is just what I need right now.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The Committee.

Mental Illness is so draining.  I am totally exhausted.  I personally find that one of the most exhausting things about Bipolar Disorder are the thoughts I have about myself and my life, I personally call these thoughts The Committee.  Let me give you a brief example of what I am talking about here.  I get up, get washed and dressed, put on a little make up and take a glimpse in the mirror, I think 'you look nice today, well done for making an effort'  I may go turn out the lights and just take one last look in the mirror. 'You disgusting, fat, ugly old bag, you look ridiculous in that outfit, and my goodness what were you thinking about that make up it makes you look ancient, it shows every wrinkle on your face, you total loser.  Why dont you lose that weight and wear proper clothes like everyone else, how could you even face going out looking like that, you are a disgrace...' I will then end up not going out and crying for hours.

Let me give you another example.  I will set the scene for you.  I have been a very heavy drinker in the past, I realise that I have used alcohol to self medicate a lot of my problems and issues, I now take medication that means I should not drink under any circumstances, combined with the medication, nowadays I have a nasty reaction when drinking and I become angry and aggressive.  So, I may be going out to a place where alcohol is served, I am determined not to drink, I have got passed The Committees first session and get to the place I am going, they re-seat for the second session. 'Get a drink, go on get one, why not, who will it hurt, get one, you deserve it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, go on get one, just have one, see how you feel after one, you should stop taking those meds and just get back to being you again, go on get yourself one' next thing I know I am blind drunk.

Yes, The Committee have caused me untold trauma and stress, its hard to know when I am doing the right thing or not some days as my thoughts can be so overwhelming and draining.

Hence, my exhaustion.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Furry Friends and an Epiphany.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an animal lover, I have several rescued pets and absolutely adore all animals.  Last night I got a text from a friend who has a dog that plays with my dogs over in the local field, sadly he had to be put to sleep last night, needless to say I was absolutely heartbroken for all the family and for the lovely dog whose name was Patch.

I got to thinking about pets and their souls, I have always held the strong belief that animals go into the next life with our Lord Jesus and live in heavenly splendour, hopefully meeting with their loving owners in time, I hold steadfast in that belief because my pets have loving souls, they are all created of one God and all have their own characters and traits, just like humans.

Then it hit me.  If I believe that my pets and your pets go to heaven, what about the animals I EAT.

I have tried many times over the years to cease eating meat, due to my aforementioned beliefs, but I have always gone back to meat eating at some point, always feeling slightly uneasy about it too I might add.

I live in a rural area, every day I feed ponies, cows, sheep, pet the goats, take bread for the chickens etc. They have souls too just like the doggies I take with me, so why? Why do I think its ok to eat them?

To be totally honest, its been a major Epiphany for me and one that I think has finally sealed the lid on my meat eating days for good.

Monday, 7 February 2011

Head full of Fog.

I really feel like I am going through the wringer the last 7-10 days.  I can only describe it as feeling like my head is full of fog, I cant seem to attain any clarity of thought whatsoever.  Following my GP appointment last Monday it was discussed that a mood diary may be helpful, however I did this for the last 7 days and to be really honest, it made me look so crazy I ripped it up.  I kinda feel like one of those silver balls in the pinball machine right now, battered around from pillar to post but achieving nothing.  Mental Illness is so terribly draining, I am absolutely exhausted most of the time, I sleep all afternoon almost every afternoon this week and then have to be in bed again by 8pm.  It just makes life so hard, its so difficult to function as a useful part of society when these episodes take over.