Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The Committee.

Mental Illness is so draining.  I am totally exhausted.  I personally find that one of the most exhausting things about Bipolar Disorder are the thoughts I have about myself and my life, I personally call these thoughts The Committee.  Let me give you a brief example of what I am talking about here.  I get up, get washed and dressed, put on a little make up and take a glimpse in the mirror, I think 'you look nice today, well done for making an effort'  I may go turn out the lights and just take one last look in the mirror. 'You disgusting, fat, ugly old bag, you look ridiculous in that outfit, and my goodness what were you thinking about that make up it makes you look ancient, it shows every wrinkle on your face, you total loser.  Why dont you lose that weight and wear proper clothes like everyone else, how could you even face going out looking like that, you are a disgrace...' I will then end up not going out and crying for hours.

Let me give you another example.  I will set the scene for you.  I have been a very heavy drinker in the past, I realise that I have used alcohol to self medicate a lot of my problems and issues, I now take medication that means I should not drink under any circumstances, combined with the medication, nowadays I have a nasty reaction when drinking and I become angry and aggressive.  So, I may be going out to a place where alcohol is served, I am determined not to drink, I have got passed The Committees first session and get to the place I am going, they re-seat for the second session. 'Get a drink, go on get one, why not, who will it hurt, get one, you deserve it, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, go on get one, just have one, see how you feel after one, you should stop taking those meds and just get back to being you again, go on get yourself one' next thing I know I am blind drunk.

Yes, The Committee have caused me untold trauma and stress, its hard to know when I am doing the right thing or not some days as my thoughts can be so overwhelming and draining.

Hence, my exhaustion.


  1. One step at a time hon, just keep plugging away. It never just happens in one fell swoop - we take steps and sometimes go backwards a bit, but we just keep going, knowing that it DOES get better and easier with time. Not perfect, but better.

    It DOES, it really does.

  2. Oh how I know this feeling so well, I too have a name for mine! I often try to describe it to people as in like cartoons, how they have the angel & devil on each shoulder. *hugs*

  3. The committee is the perfect name for those thoughts.