Head full of Fog.

I really feel like I am going through the wringer the last 7-10 days.  I can only describe it as feeling like my head is full of fog, I cant seem to attain any clarity of thought whatsoever.  Following my GP appointment last Monday it was discussed that a mood diary may be helpful, however I did this for the last 7 days and to be really honest, it made me look so crazy I ripped it up.  I kinda feel like one of those silver balls in the pinball machine right now, battered around from pillar to post but achieving nothing.  Mental Illness is so terribly draining, I am absolutely exhausted most of the time, I sleep all afternoon almost every afternoon this week and then have to be in bed again by 8pm.  It just makes life so hard, its so difficult to function as a useful part of society when these episodes take over. 

Keep on Moving!

Well its been a funny old couple of weeks really, life never seems to stop revealing things to me but I honestly feel that God is taking me on a journey now that I have finally allowed him to take over the running of my life (I wasnt doing a particularly good job!!)

I have received all my course material and am engrosing myself in the wonder of them, I am so grateful to be able to do this and the more I think of it the more I can see wonderful opportunities ahead when I qualify.

I have also been encourage by my wonderful friends on Twitter to start selling my craft things that I make, I have been making cards for quite some time now but never really felt they were good enough to sell, however due to some really positive feedback I am currently building a website to sell my cards and other handmade goods, take a look here but remember its only just under construction!!

http://www.cloudberrysattic.co.uk/

I am feeling so much better within myself now that I have got my medication right and of course staying sober, staying on a level is going to be imperitive for me this year if I am to acheive the things I want to do, so I have to stick to my New Years plan, and so far that is going great.

I am experiencing very strange dreams in the last 10 days, I guess you would definately call them nightmares, they are causing me continued distress, I am finding it difficult to settle down when I wake, all these dreams involve my Mum and I am wondering if there is a sign for me in them, a warning or something she is trying to convey, I will continue to monitor this.

As I type the radio is playing the 90's song by 5ive 'Keep on Moving' and it was this song that inspired todays blog post, I really do feel that I am keeping on moving and you know what? it feels really, really good!!

Living and Learning.

I am feeling pretty proud of myself today.  I have just enrolled for two courses I have been wanting to take for such a long time, I have finally taken the plunge and I am so glad.

I was going to go on and talk about how the last year was so hard and I have to move on, blah blah blah, but you know what? I am not going to go on about that, suffice to say I am making massive changes in 2011 and by doing these courses I will be able to open up not only a new way of life for myself but also eventually a totally new working/career direction.

Ok, so let me tell you more about the two courses I am taking up:

Professional Smoking Cessation Therapy: This course will enable me to help individuals and groups to stop smoking and stay stopped, its a very in depth course which goes into the anatomy and addiction module, plus other factors and causes.  This is a cause VERY close to my heart, since losing my Mum last year I have longed to find a way to make a difference.  For those who don't know, my Mum died of COPD a chronic and progressive disease of the lungs and airways, this disease is 100% attributed to her many years of heavy smoking, despite knowing at at 37 she was suffering irreversible lung damage, she continued to smoke into her late 50's eventually passing away in a very, very traumatic and painful way at age just 61.  My grief will fuel me in this course, I care passionately about the cause and as an ex-smoker myself I can also relate to the whole withdrawal process both mentally and physically.

Nutritionist: Ok, this course will (eventually) qualify me as a professional Nutritionist.  In some ways I think this will be the harder learning curve for me, but again I have been interested in this field for quite some time.  I KNOW I can bring a lot to the table on this for the reason that I am a Size Acceptance advocate, and I am strong believer in HAES (health at every size).  It would be my belief that many fat people would be put off using a nutritionist for fear of being ridiculed or judged on their size, that's not going to happen with me!  This is a really thorough course and one I am relishing just as much as I know I can make a difference with this.

So, I am feeling pretty proud of myself today, I might even to treat myself to some totally unnecessary new pens!!  I am absolutely sure I have made the right decision here and look forward to getting the old grey matter moving again, this time in the RIGHT direction.

New Year, New Me!

Happy New Year everyone, welcome to 2011!

I dont usually go in for resolutions, I dont believe that you can change habits/addictions or indeed your whole persona on the strike of the clock, I mean if it were possible there would be no problems in the world now would there?!

However, last year was tough, it was tough for me emotionally, mentally, physically and financially, I really felt like I had been stripped bare in the 12 months that were 2010.  Whilst its no secret I endured heartache I know that I was taught a good few lessons about myself too, lessons that I will carry with me always, lessons  I obviously needed to learn, lessons that God saw fit to teach me in the depths of my despair.

I had spent much time towards the end of 2010 thinking about the New Year and how I could proceed with various aspects of my life, things did seem to come together somewhat towards the end of the year, and I felt  I was being shown a new way of living, a new code if you will, and thats what I plan to live by in 2011 and hopefully beyond, not so much resolutions but a new way of conducting myself and my life.  I certainly saw the striking of the clock to mark the end of 2010 as a metaphorical closing of the door on a lot of heartache and misery.

My primary issue is managing my Bipolar illness, I am so so grateful to be treated by a very forward thinking GP who has had the foresight to prescribe me medication that although not currently a traditional Bipolar treatment, is emerging in the USA as an amazing mood stabilizer, in the 3 weeks I have been taking this new combination of medication I have noted a marked improvement in my symptoms and indeed I actually am beginning to feel stable and happy, so my priority has to be maintaining this.  This entails continuing with the right medication, maintaining absolute sobriety and continuing self care methods that help to keep me relaxed and stable.

Why thats easy?! I may hear you cry.  But wait, Bipolar is a cunning illness as is alcohol addiction.  Bipolar will tell you that you dont need the pills you are fine as you are, alcoholism will tell you you DO need the alcohol.  The constant fight with these demons can be exhausting in itself, there are times it takes all my strength to fight them.

But fight them I will, I know I can do it, I know  I am worth it.  I am learning about myself every day but I truly believe that last year taught me enough lessons to get me through this year.

So to conclude, maybe not strictly a 'new' me but I am praying for an improved model!!

Time to get serious.

Title says it all really, its time for me to get serious for a minute.  I realised over the last week that in the last 18 months I have made some of the most blundering bad decisions of my life, and that is saying something.  Some of the choices I have made have been financial and emotional suicide, and inevitably cost me dearly.  I do have to confess that I believe this to be what I now know as a symptom of my Bipolar Disorder.

As some people know, me and medication go together like chocolate and mud, in other words we dont! I have binned my meds more times than people have had hot dinners!

After much soul searching I have to be honest with myself in that I dont want to continue to live this way, I think I need a very big lifestyle shake up and more importantly I need to take this illness a lot more seriously than I have been doing.

It is not going to go away, I have to take medication, I have to help myself, I have to attend my medical appointments, I have to do the right things for my mind and body.  These are things I simply HAVE to do, not to make life easier but to survive.  Sadly, I havent been doing any of them.

I went to see my GP yesterday and he was amazingly helpful, and much to my surprise very understanding and considerate.  We have agreed on a plan forward and he has offered me some new medication, which I have agreed to take, these meds are rather cutting edge in that they are not 'usually' prescribed for Bipolar, but research in the US shows that they are having amazing results on Bipolar sufferers and it does seem to be emerging as a bit of a wonder treatment, I am feeling hopeful!

2010 has been the worst year of my life, professionally, emotionally, personally, financially.  If I dont get serious and take this illness seriously I dont know where I will end up, but I know it wont be pretty.  So I make my pledge to myself to do the right thing, I commit to the medication and the 'right' actions to help myself, as much as it loathes me, Bipolar and I are going to have to work together if this thing is going to work at all.

Faith in Myself.

I have been doing some thinking about Faith in the last couple of days and it occurs to me that one area I have lost Faith is in myself.  I am not talking about confidence here or self esteem or anything like that, but simple Faith in me.

Over the years of my mental illness I have looked everywhere for something to put my Faith in, doctors, medication, friends, family, books, groups, counselling, the list goes on!  One area I never tried to put Faith into was myself.

When I look back over some of the things I have survived I really should have more Faith in myself, I mean, I have managed to get through so much with Gods grace, I am still standing today.  I think that over the last few years, and particularly this year Life seems to have kicked all the Faith right out of me.  I have been devastated about the loss of my Mother, blighted with physical illness most of the year, failed to find the right medication to help my mental illness, been diagnosed with Bipolar and hit some pretty severe financial problems, yes this year has dealt me some pretty heavy blows.

I think its time I put just a little Faith in me, I know that if I do, with Gods help I can make it.

Self Care.

This week I came to realise that I have sorely neglected myself practically all year in many different areas, what with illness, death and other tragic circumstances I have given little time to myself.  I had been contemplating a memorial tattoo for some time now and this week I felt I had really come to a decision about what I wanted.  So, I had the tattoo you see in the picture done yesterday, the writing is Irish Gaelic and means My Mother ~ My Heart a sentiment that I very much wanted to convey in the whole piece or artwork, it spans the inside of my right forearm and I am absolutely delighted with the result.

This inspired me to take a look at another issue sorely neglected this year, my hair!  I havent had it trimmed for well over 9 months now and it was really looking a disgrace, so this morning I trundled off to my trusty hairdresser and she gave me a well deserved and much overdue funky radical new hairstyle.  Again, I am delighted with the result and feel so much better.

I have been reflecting over the last hour or so about how much depression takes out of me, I neglect myself so badly, for such long periods of time, its heartbreaking really when I think about it.

But, on a very positive note, the self care I have practised this week has made me feel so much better about myself and I end this week very much on a great, positive and confident level.

YAY me!!