Time to get serious.

Title says it all really, its time for me to get serious for a minute.  I realised over the last week that in the last 18 months I have made some of the most blundering bad decisions of my life, and that is saying something.  Some of the choices I have made have been financial and emotional suicide, and inevitably cost me dearly.  I do have to confess that I believe this to be what I now know as a symptom of my Bipolar Disorder.

As some people know, me and medication go together like chocolate and mud, in other words we dont! I have binned my meds more times than people have had hot dinners!

After much soul searching I have to be honest with myself in that I dont want to continue to live this way, I think I need a very big lifestyle shake up and more importantly I need to take this illness a lot more seriously than I have been doing.

It is not going to go away, I have to take medication, I have to help myself, I have to attend my medical appointments, I have to do the right things for my mind and body.  These are things I simply HAVE to do, not to make life easier but to survive.  Sadly, I havent been doing any of them.

I went to see my GP yesterday and he was amazingly helpful, and much to my surprise very understanding and considerate.  We have agreed on a plan forward and he has offered me some new medication, which I have agreed to take, these meds are rather cutting edge in that they are not 'usually' prescribed for Bipolar, but research in the US shows that they are having amazing results on Bipolar sufferers and it does seem to be emerging as a bit of a wonder treatment, I am feeling hopeful!

2010 has been the worst year of my life, professionally, emotionally, personally, financially.  If I dont get serious and take this illness seriously I dont know where I will end up, but I know it wont be pretty.  So I make my pledge to myself to do the right thing, I commit to the medication and the 'right' actions to help myself, as much as it loathes me, Bipolar and I are going to have to work together if this thing is going to work at all.

Faith in Myself.

I have been doing some thinking about Faith in the last couple of days and it occurs to me that one area I have lost Faith is in myself.  I am not talking about confidence here or self esteem or anything like that, but simple Faith in me.

Over the years of my mental illness I have looked everywhere for something to put my Faith in, doctors, medication, friends, family, books, groups, counselling, the list goes on!  One area I never tried to put Faith into was myself.

When I look back over some of the things I have survived I really should have more Faith in myself, I mean, I have managed to get through so much with Gods grace, I am still standing today.  I think that over the last few years, and particularly this year Life seems to have kicked all the Faith right out of me.  I have been devastated about the loss of my Mother, blighted with physical illness most of the year, failed to find the right medication to help my mental illness, been diagnosed with Bipolar and hit some pretty severe financial problems, yes this year has dealt me some pretty heavy blows.

I think its time I put just a little Faith in me, I know that if I do, with Gods help I can make it.

Self Care.

This week I came to realise that I have sorely neglected myself practically all year in many different areas, what with illness, death and other tragic circumstances I have given little time to myself.  I had been contemplating a memorial tattoo for some time now and this week I felt I had really come to a decision about what I wanted.  So, I had the tattoo you see in the picture done yesterday, the writing is Irish Gaelic and means My Mother ~ My Heart a sentiment that I very much wanted to convey in the whole piece or artwork, it spans the inside of my right forearm and I am absolutely delighted with the result.

This inspired me to take a look at another issue sorely neglected this year, my hair!  I havent had it trimmed for well over 9 months now and it was really looking a disgrace, so this morning I trundled off to my trusty hairdresser and she gave me a well deserved and much overdue funky radical new hairstyle.  Again, I am delighted with the result and feel so much better.

I have been reflecting over the last hour or so about how much depression takes out of me, I neglect myself so badly, for such long periods of time, its heartbreaking really when I think about it.

But, on a very positive note, the self care I have practised this week has made me feel so much better about myself and I end this week very much on a great, positive and confident level.

YAY me!!