Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Why didnt God save me?

I think of myself as a Survivor.  As I look back over my life there are many times I have asked the question Why?, why was I in the wrong place at the wrong time? why does this happen to me? why me? etc.

I will give you a very brief example of some of the things I mean.  I have survived extreme bullying throughout my school life, I have survived 10 years living with my Brother and Sisters heroin addiction (in the same house) where they stole every possession I had and countless other related traumas, I have survived a sexual assault, I have survived alcohol abuse, I have survived Bipolar, I have survived 2 serious suicide attempts, I have survived chronic body image issues and vast weight gain and I am currently going through the grief of my beloved Mothers traumatic and untimely death.

When I became a Christian in 2008 I began to question why? Why did I have to go through all that? wasnt I a good person?

It is only slowly has the answer become clear to me.  God DID save me, he saved me from all those things, he got me through them, he made me stronger.  And I truly believe He did all that for a reason, but that reason will become clear in His time, not mine.

I know that what God brought me to, he brought me through and he walks beside me all the way.  I know that all the horrific and traumatic events I have experienced I may now use to help others in similar situations.

I am not fluffing this up by the way, all of those experiences were devastating and nearly broke me several times, I didnt feel at the time that God was with me, I didnt feel that it would all be worth it in the long run, at the time of these things happening to me I was distraught, heartbroken, desolate, alone.

But I feel a strong sense now that God really did save me, he really did save me for a reason and I await the day that He shows me, finally, why.


  1. Great post! I'm sorry to hear you had a sad day.

  2. Great post! I have BP II. I'm 45 about to turn 46. I can't believe it. Anyway, I was diagnosed late. I experienced trauma. But, I didn't go through anything that you have survived. Your will and spirit to be a survivor is very inspiring to me. I hate to hear that you had to go through those horrible times. But, your candor has and will be an inspiration for me when I begin to feel sorry for myself. Thanks for writing!

  3. I haven't seen you online in a while. I just wanted you to know that I have BPII and you help me "come out of the closet." So, thank you beautiful soul.