Medication.

Today I want to write about medication.  I havent wrote on my blog for a few weeks, I have to confess I have been concentrating on withdrawing from all my medication.

I began taking Prozac some 15+ years ago.  It has done nothing for me over the years, oh except a 70lb weight gain of course!  Other than that, it has help me in no way at all.  There have been several times over the years that I have tried to withdraw from this medication, but I have always had to go back on it, this bothers me.

When I was prescribed the Lithium along with the Prozac I was so desperate I gave it a go, the combo initially seemed to work, days 3-7 were amazing, but oh.my.goodness day 8+ I began to feel very suicidal.  I quickly decided that I had to withdraw from both medications and quickly.

The trouble is, where does that leave me now?!  I have informed the Psychiatrist that I dont want any more medications and he promptly took me off his patient list!!  That tells me that medication is all he has.

If I could go back in time and have the information I have now, I would have never started taking any medication, I dont believe it to be the answer in my case, I am not saying that this is the case for everyone, but for me it has done diddly-squat!!

There is no one out there who can help me, there are no tablets I can take that is going to make me feel alright, so what do I do now? I dont know.  But I do know that I dont want to take any more medication, for now thats really all I have.

Why didnt God save me?

I think of myself as a Survivor.  As I look back over my life there are many times I have asked the question Why?, why was I in the wrong place at the wrong time? why does this happen to me? why me? etc.

I will give you a very brief example of some of the things I mean.  I have survived extreme bullying throughout my school life, I have survived 10 years living with my Brother and Sisters heroin addiction (in the same house) where they stole every possession I had and countless other related traumas, I have survived a sexual assault, I have survived alcohol abuse, I have survived Bipolar, I have survived 2 serious suicide attempts, I have survived chronic body image issues and vast weight gain and I am currently going through the grief of my beloved Mothers traumatic and untimely death.

When I became a Christian in 2008 I began to question why? Why did I have to go through all that? wasnt I a good person?

It is only slowly has the answer become clear to me.  God DID save me, he saved me from all those things, he got me through them, he made me stronger.  And I truly believe He did all that for a reason, but that reason will become clear in His time, not mine.

I know that what God brought me to, he brought me through and he walks beside me all the way.  I know that all the horrific and traumatic events I have experienced I may now use to help others in similar situations.

I am not fluffing this up by the way, all of those experiences were devastating and nearly broke me several times, I didnt feel at the time that God was with me, I didnt feel that it would all be worth it in the long run, at the time of these things happening to me I was distraught, heartbroken, desolate, alone.

But I feel a strong sense now that God really did save me, he really did save me for a reason and I await the day that He shows me, finally, why.